HARMONY++
I have this idea in my head that I can’t dance. It’s connected to a time I was young when my mother told me I shouldn’t be a ballerina because I’m not graceful enough. Now I do dance, but I know it’s to my own beat, and when others have tried to teach me, it never comes out in synchrony. I was almost 40 before we shared this memory, and she realized in horror her mother had told her the same thing - every word passed down to me.
Grace is a five-letter word, rarely used because it is so uncommon to appear lovely and effortless at the same time. Courteous goodwill and unearned favor - I’m always seeking more of it. Seeing this embodied in movement is a pleasure to behold.
When we live in a world of finite resources that reinforces feelings of fear and inadequacy, we are forced into competition that highlights our ugliest defects, especially under unfavorable circumstances. This is the human condition. In my life, the reasons for my feelings of inadequacy and shame are clear, coming from an infantile state when we’re entirely dependent on having all needs met by the external world, which was not always predictable or loving, moving into adolescence and adulthood when my own actions covered fear with shame. The impulse, running wildly out of control most of my life, was reaching outwards for more people, things, and substances to validate or obscure my inability to cope with the circumstances of life. Outside-in, though my insides were always in turmoil.
I recently encountered a concept (perhaps a rendition of the old win-win) where I can be lovely and effortless even though I am cumbersome and imperfect at the same time. In interpersonal relations, this allows me to observe another person’s behavior (outward life circumstances), without assuming I know the reasons behind it or assigning judgment to their actions or humanity. In Process Communication Model (PCM), this allows me to identify differences in personality and adjust my communication style according to the audience for more harmonious outcomes. When we fail to reach a solution, I’m grateful for Grace.
Many times when I’m feeling low, I fall into old habits, looking outwards for reassurance. Sometimes I find shreds of hope, often times my mind confirms feelings of depression and despair. I’ve learned through experience to practice shifting this impulse - rather than looking outwards or forcing change upon others, instead turning inwards and allowing Grace to guide me. The path of self-examination and surrender is not easy, but vastly more rewarding as I’ve watched the God of my understanding transform my heart and surroundings into perhaps not everything I want, but exactly what I need. That serenity is an unshakeable faith in God’s economy that all are worthy, and all are redeemed. Onto a lifetime practice of gratitude for the teachers in all things, that I may remain open to their lessons.
Namaste
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