Notes on Witnessing
As an imperfect human living in entropic times where our brokenness is more glaring than ever, I can only speak for myself. I have seen in my own failures, surrender, and healing so much more that I do not know, and would hardly suggest having superior wisdom for others. I have, however; in my own experience endured many lessons and after coming through another side know one thing - it is by God’s grace alone that I have survived.
I’m told life is like this for alcoholics: Our minds are designed to defeat us. In my own life I’ve found evidence of the insanity, as my dad described “doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different result” - concentric circles spiraling downwards until hitting bottom left me with no other option - to die a slow and pitiful death alone, or give my stubborn will over to God. That will (full of American zeal) burns like fire within me, more with the clarity sobriety brings as injustice, hate, and turmoil flare around me. Removing alcohol was only the precursor to living my life in a different way, pulling the crutch that beat me then falling into God’s arms was a painful process. Sometimes this happens daily, as fear frequently threatens my sanity and I’m forced to choose again - my will or Thine? Some days I curse Him for bringing me this far.
While my dad was marrying his mistress in Hawaii, 19 year-old me had “eden” (intentionally lower-case) tattooed on my left wrist as a reminder of this choice: Here, surrounded by the vastness of creation - Good or evil? Life or death? As a sober person sick again with fear I can say this problem rests in the mind alone, same as it ever was.
What’s not discussed in any church I’ve found is in every monotheistic religion (if we are so devout), that single all-encompassing G O D is One and the same. Called Yahweh by some, Allah by others, Jesus is my way and all of history traces back to the same bloodline. Faulty are we to divide and conquer nations by petty squabbles among brothers.
After a failed marriage and a few more years drinking with no one left to blame but myself, I realized another truth - we ALL fail. Many years of a failed suicide mission to prove the original Truth tattooed on my wrist - get busy living or get busy dying, it’s a choice we all get to make. I can praise Him or curse him, but the reckoning will be the price of my sanity - and what fruits we bear?
I have been scared shitless since I watched George Floyd get murdered. Alone at home, the rug of everything I knew and relied on pulled out from under me, I watched in horror and disbelief as an unarmed citizen of the United States had his life snuffed out on national television. Not only did this occur, but others stood and watched, provided full footage to Fox News that reviewed it over dinnertime with airs of sports-commentary. The ONLY way any of this could happen is HATE, pure and simple. I’m not talking age-old racism (News flash: We’re all prejudiced - check your ego) - I’m talking cunning, baffling, unadulterated evil.
So where walls fail, total power corrupts entirely, and the inhumanity seen in LA will continue unless we remember who we are.
America, Land of the Free. America, Home of the Brave. One nation, under God.
In these times I look to a tiny tattoo of the cross on my right wrist, a permanent reminder of my living God’s sacrifice. No more martyrdom, since we’ve never been worthy. Jesus was a Jew, murdered by the people he came to save. Upon sentencing he offered, “forgive them Father, they know not what they do.” As Maya Angelou added - “once you know better, do better.”
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